Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Telling Forrest then Telling Family

Forrest and I went to dinner the night I found out I was pregnant. I tried to think of maybe a creative way to tell him, or special place I could take him. Instead, I kept it a secret and just thought maybe the right time would just come. We go eat at our favorite hole in the wall restaurant in Hempstead, really the only place to eat. On our way there I was silent, a change for me so of course Forrest noticed. He asked me if everything was okay and I said yes but could not look him in the eyes. We go inside, sit down, and immediately our waitress brings us chips and salsa. We start eating and I realize that I am so anxious, I physically cannot swallow a chip. My heart was racing. I was without a doubt having at least a mild panic attack. I could not find any words to say much less those important ones I needed to.

After devouring several chips, Forrest eventually looked up from the table and realized I was just not myself (mainly because I was not devouring chips too). From there I don't know what happened, really, somehow it came out of my mouth as he asked what's wrong. Although I can't remember exactly what I said, I am a little glad I did not have a camera to document it all. The greater memories came later after coming home and talking about it. The shock was just so much and at a restaurant and out of no where! Wish I could say it was one of those moments where we were both overjoyed with tears or jumping up from the table with excitement, but no that is not the case.

Having said that, things took a turn later that night and even more so as the days went by. We came to a point where we were both over the initial shock and more focused on being excited. Forrest even came home a couple days later with a Babies R Us catalog, then plopped down on the couch to go through it. 

So... to sum up Forrest's reaction with two pictures: The first represents his initial reaction...

Then later that night, he became more like this:

The next day I called my Sister and my parents to tell them. It was my Sister's birthday and they were enjoying a day out on the beach. She was so thrilled and so proud. She said it was the best birthday present she could ask for. My Mom cried, then she balled. My dad was excited but I think not too happy with me because they were in Iowa visiting his family and I told him not to tell anyone. He is not the greatest secret keeper, but he did me proud on this one.

Then that night, we told Forrest's parents. We were going to take them out to dinner to celebrate but they had started some projects on the ranch. I knew I was going to see Cheri all day on Monday (we had a girls' outing planned) and there was no way I was going to be able to keep it from her. So we interrupted their evening anyways to tell them. They were both super excited. Something so neat about this moment was that Forrest's dad said he was on his tractor earlier that day, and he had this feeling that something was about to change in their lives. He thought to himself, "I know what it is... Bubba and Moof are going to have a baby." Then, can you believe it, we broke the news to them that very night. 

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Taking a Moment

So as soon as I say this, it is going to be obvious what this blog is about. Especially since it is something that we have been asked about for the last four years, understandably. Anyways, here goes.
So today marks the day that I am one week late. After being several days late, I told myself I would wait until one full week before taking a pregnancy test but I couldn’t help myself. I took one 3 days ago and the test was negative.

I had mixed thoughts about the idea of being pregnant after taking that test. I was relieved. Then I felt guilty for feeling relieved . I couldn’t help but think about all of the couples who try for years and finally do, or in some cases never do. Then I started to feel scared, like what if we are one of those couples or what if there is something wrong with me, and I cannot have children. What if it is my fault. Hopefully all these thoughts are normal, I really do not want to allow myself to get anxious about things in life.

There was a side of me that was disappointed, honestly. I guess I am more ready than I realize. The thought of moving on to the next chapter, taking that next step is really exciting. We know what a big decision it is to have a child and are really more ready now than we have ever been in our marriage. I have thought for a long time that the  idea would be to have the timing all planned out but as time goes by, I realize that trying to plan is stressful. We could always have more money, a bigger house, cars and things paid off, we will always have a wedding coming up or trip we wanted to go on. There will always be something. And the thought of it just happening felt kind of nice. Like a weight lifted off our shoulders and a reminder that God is in control.

So that was a few days ago. Yesterday, I still had not started so I took the second test that came in the package. Waited and waited, seeing just this tiny faint line next to a big bold red line. It even seemed to flicker at first. I wasn’t sure of what to think and I knew I needed to get ready for work. I set it under the bathroom counter, hiding it. I went on to work, a little in denial that that was a positive result. Tried not to think about it at work, but remember where I work? Labor and delivery. My patient that day was a 22 yo 17 week gestation, IUFD which means intrauterine fetal demise. I really bonded with her, sympathizing so much more with her and realizing how sad she must be. I deliver living babies so much more than ones that didn’t make it and after a while, you start to forget what a little miracle it is for everything to go right.

After work, I stopped by HEB on the way home to get another box of tests. I did not take it right away, believe it or not I was that tired that I just wanted to go straight to sleep! I woke up about an hour ago, went straight to the bathroom to take a test. Result was positive.

I have an annual OBGYN appt this week (how perfect on the timing, right?) so I guess I will know more of an answer then. I cannot wait until then to tell Forrest, I have no idea how to tell him. He is my husband and best friend, and never ever have I been so anxious about telling him something. This trumps all those times I spent too much money on something and had to tell him or else he would see it on our statement. Ha ha. Anyways, he is working outside with his dad on the fence. I thought I better take a moment now to gather my thoughts and figure out what I am going to say before he comes inside…