Taking a Moment

So as soon as I say this, it is going to be obvious what this blog is about. Especially since it is something that we have been asked about for the last four years, understandably. Anyways, here goes.
So today marks the day that I am one week late. After being several days late, I told myself I would wait until one full week before taking a pregnancy test but I couldn’t help myself. I took one 3 days ago and the test was negative.

I had mixed thoughts about the idea of being pregnant after taking that test. I was relieved. Then I felt guilty for feeling relieved . I couldn’t help but think about all of the couples who try for years and finally do, or in some cases never do. Then I started to feel scared, like what if we are one of those couples or what if there is something wrong with me, and I cannot have children. What if it is my fault. Hopefully all these thoughts are normal, I really do not want to allow myself to get anxious about things in life.

There was a side of me that was disappointed, honestly. I guess I am more ready than I realize. The thought of moving on to the next chapter, taking that next step is really exciting. We know what a big decision it is to have a child and are really more ready now than we have ever been in our marriage. I have thought for a long time that the  idea would be to have the timing all planned out but as time goes by, I realize that trying to plan is stressful. We could always have more money, a bigger house, cars and things paid off, we will always have a wedding coming up or trip we wanted to go on. There will always be something. And the thought of it just happening felt kind of nice. Like a weight lifted off our shoulders and a reminder that God is in control.

So that was a few days ago. Yesterday, I still had not started so I took the second test that came in the package. Waited and waited, seeing just this tiny faint line next to a big bold red line. It even seemed to flicker at first. I wasn’t sure of what to think and I knew I needed to get ready for work. I set it under the bathroom counter, hiding it. I went on to work, a little in denial that that was a positive result. Tried not to think about it at work, but remember where I work? Labor and delivery. My patient that day was a 22 yo 17 week gestation, IUFD which means intrauterine fetal demise. I really bonded with her, sympathizing so much more with her and realizing how sad she must be. I deliver living babies so much more than ones that didn’t make it and after a while, you start to forget what a little miracle it is for everything to go right.

After work, I stopped by HEB on the way home to get another box of tests. I did not take it right away, believe it or not I was that tired that I just wanted to go straight to sleep! I woke up about an hour ago, went straight to the bathroom to take a test. Result was positive.

I have an annual OBGYN appt this week (how perfect on the timing, right?) so I guess I will know more of an answer then. I cannot wait until then to tell Forrest, I have no idea how to tell him. He is my husband and best friend, and never ever have I been so anxious about telling him something. This trumps all those times I spent too much money on something and had to tell him or else he would see it on our statement. Ha ha. Anyways, he is working outside with his dad on the fence. I thought I better take a moment now to gather my thoughts and figure out what I am going to say before he comes inside…